The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
