my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
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