i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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