I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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