I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
