Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
