My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
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