the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
