apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
she smelled like a LAN party
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Randomize
