I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
