i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
