WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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