god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
