she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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