Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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