i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
