They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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