Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
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