There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
