I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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