he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
