he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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