Moan for me like Helen Keller
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
