Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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