I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
