I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
