Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
