I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
You know, be my cock's hype man.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
