i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize