Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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