So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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