I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
