If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
