I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
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