I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
