i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
