We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
