I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
