She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
sarcasm needs its own font
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
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