we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
