watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
