New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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