Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
