I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
i came on her dog
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
