I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
