I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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