i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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