Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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