Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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