I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize