I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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