would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
