He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
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