totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
