just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
did you just send me my own nude
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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