My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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