I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
