Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
