i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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