just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
