I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
