If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Randomize
