What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Randomize
