Just cropdusted the office
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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